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Title: Extended Recess Visits Hillbilly Hell
Fandom: Extended Recess
Characters: Akanishi Jin, Maruyama Ryuhei, Kamenashi Kazuya, Yamashita Tomohisa, Shirota Yu
Rating: PG-13 for nasty language, public drunkness, and references to breaking and entering
Word Count: ~1600
Summary: Extended Recess ends up at South of the Border after not getting a spot at Beerfest.
Notes: For [personal profile] ser_pounce_alot. Timeline-wise this was originally going to be set around Thanksgiving (I had a turducken related sequel planned) but. It can probably go anywhere! :D;;

[Camera bobs, and for a long minute of loud cursing and fumbling all that's visible is a faded orange shirt. After a moment, the camera settles, and Jin's face appears as he settles on what is obviously the edge of a public toilet.]

Jin: [crosses his legs, nearly falls into the toilet bowl] Shit—I mean! Hola, motherfuckers, from South of the Border! Obviously, you know who I am: Jin Akanishi, lead singer of Extended Recess, but on the off-chance you stumbled here from that poser Jimmy Mackey's related videos or something, WE CAME FIRST!

Kame: [from the other side of the bathroom door] Jin! Jin, what are you doing in there? This is a campsite bathroom, you can't just lock it—

Jin: Shut up Kame this is important! Anyway. So Extended Recess is at South of the Border! But we're all civilized [Kame's laughter] and we're stuck in hillbilly hell and we've got no fucking clue what to do! Besides fireworks and tequila but we're already doing that, we need better suggestions! Email ‘em to Yu!, bitches! [holds up banner made from toilet paper]

[Jin approaches camera; sound of metallic clang can be heard before the camera shuts off.]

"Holy shit," Jin breathes, spazzing out and knocking the faucet on. With a yelp, he holds the camera high, one-handed, and fights momentarily with the faucet.

Yu is still putting the trashcan Jin had shoved in front of the door back up when Jin finally gets the sink and the camera sorted out.

"What the fuck are you doing?" asks Yu, after staring at the wet mess across Jin's pants.

"Um," says Jin, "um. Solving our boredom issues!"

"And wetting your pants," Yu says.

"No! It was the sink!"

"Uh-huh," Kame says, pushing past Yu and toward a stall. He shuts the door with a loud slam and locks it.

"It was," Jin whines, and curses at the unfairness of it all as he shambles back to the RV.

"Piiiiiii," he calls, flopping stomach-down on the attached bench-thingy they put with picnic tables at campsites, like no one's gonna be able to figure out what the table's for without them. He remembers after a minute that cameras make bad pillows and shoves it onto the table.

Yamapi offers him his bottle of tequila (helpfully labeled ‘Jin's Tequila, Bitches, Hands Off'). Jin manages, somehow, to roll on his side and pull the bottle to his lips. He almost hits Pi with the bottle when he realizes there isn't actually any tequila in it.

"It says ‘Hands Off'!" he says, sitting up in a flurry and scowling at Pi, then at Yu.

"But not mouths off," Pi answers, shoving another taquito in his mouth, "wanna use it for bottle rockets?"

"Where the fuck's the lighter?" Jin answers, shoving four or five bottle rockets stick-first down the neck of the empty bottle.

[Camera turns on. Jin stands over a tequila bottle half-filled with water and stuffed with bottle rockets and a line of firecrackers. Suddenly, Jin leans down to light the fuse. There's a high whistling noise, and then the sound of glass breaking. Jin is already hauling ass toward the camera.]

Jin: Kame, stop filming and run, are you stupid?!

[Camera rocks wildly as Kame, presumed cameraman, is dragged behind Jin. After a moment more of panicked yelping and what is clearly Yu laughing, the camera whirls to fix on the fireworks display.]

Kame: [sounding annoyed] This is why we don't use bottles formerly filled with alcohol as launching pads for fireworks, kids.

"It's too early to be drinking tequila," Kame scolds Jin at lunch (was it still lunch if it was at like 2 in the afternoon?).

"Then it's too early to be awake," Jin declares, "besides, it totally isn't. We don't even have a gig any more, remember? Those douches at Beerfest filled up the roster without us!"

"You're still mad that one guy called you a retarded monkey," Kame guesses.

"Fuck yes I am," Jin groans, "give me one of those complimentary beers, will you?"

"We have comments," Yu calls, kneading at the kink in his neck from the night before, "Jin!"

Jin grunts, lifting his tequila bottle as a sign to continue, motherfuckers.

"‘vandalize the sombrero water tower' has the most thumbs up," Kame reports from the foot of the mattress, holding up his tally-sheet marked with neat lines, "with ‘blow up more tequila bottles' coming in second place."

"Can we blow up the sombrero water tower?"

"Jin, that is the stupidest suggestion you have offered all day. And that includes ‘putting a huge trampoline under the water tower and jumping off the roof to see if we die'," Kame says.

"Kame," Jin begins, "are you drunk? You should really be drunk."

"You drank all of the complimentary beer," Kame points out.

"Yeah, but there's still tequila, right?"

"No, you and Pi finished that an hour ago."

Jin considers things for a moment. Slowly he crawls to his feet, hands on his hips. "Let's go get more," he declares, and goes off to lead the way.

He's lost in five minutes. "Kame?" he calls, high and frightened, "Pi? Shirota, you douche, are you alive? Are you dead? Am I dead? KAME AM I DEAD?"

"You're dead?"

The voice is unfamiliar; Jin squawks and looks around for whoever's there. Maybe they're stalking him, maybe they want to kill him or, worse, use his skin as a body glove or something because they want to be him—"what the fuck who are you no I'm not dead I don't want to be dead I want to live—are you wearing a poncho?"

"Ah, you noticed! Yes, yes I am. It's even from Mexico! But my sombrero went missing from my office, I wonder where it could have gone…"

"You have a sombrero? And you took it off?!" Jin is legitimately offended by the idea. If he had a sombrero that thing would be fucking attached to his head. With glue, maybe!

The young man in the poncho (but no sombrero) pushes his lips out, deep in thought. "I can't fit through the door of my office with it on," he says.

"So find a new office, your old one sucks," Jin answers, "do you know where Kame is?"

"A new office? But I like my old office!"

"Do you love it more than your sombrero?!" Jin demands, "what kind of poncho-and-sombrero-wearing freak are you?!"

"I'm not a freak, I'm a park ranger," the young man says, sounding hurt.

"…oh," says Jin, "that's lame."

"It's not, it's fun! I get to wake up campers who fall asleep in the woods and make sure nobody leaves any trash around and wear a poncho over my uniform!"

Jin abruptly remembers why he left in the first place. "D'you know where a guy can buy some tequila around here?" he asks.

Maru—okay, Park Ranger Ryuhei Maruyama, but he prefers Maru—is a great listener, Jin decides.

"And then there's that douche Kimura and he won't stop fucking creeping on Kame and who the hell does that, he's a grown-ass man! Like, 35 at least, isn't that like cradle-robbing or something?"

"You know," Maru says, "you sound upset. I know just what'll cheer you up!"


"PAAAAAN!" Maru punctuates the seemingly random sound effect by opening his fist at Jin's face. Jin thinks it's explosively hilarious.

"What the fuck that is awesome," he crows, and mimics Maru—"PAAAN!"

Maru shakes his head. "More oomph," he directs, and demonstrates it again, "really feel the burn!"

"…do you have a side job as an exercise instructor or something?" Jin asks. Suddenly, he feels remarkably like he's in an alternate universe where Richard Simmons wears a poncho.

"No," Maru answers, looking confused, "but look! The liquor store!"

"YES. Hold my tequila, I'll be back. PAAAN~"

"GUYS MEET MARU," Jin says, when Maru finally manages to find the RV—Jin had offered directions, but ‘turn left after the tree that looks like a monkey's butt' hadn't been terribly helpful.

"Jin, where have been for the last two hours," Kame demands, in the midst of throwing away trash, "Pi got called into work, we have to go."

"No no no no no we have to stay and do a set on the water tower," Jin answers, "Maru has a key so we don't have to scale up the side!"

"You were going to scale up the side?!" Maru seems really excited by the prospect, "you can still do that!"

"We're not doing a set on the water tower I need to work so I can eat," Pi complains from where he's putting things away.

"But Maru already called his friends from the park ranger office," Jin whines, "tell ‘em, Maru!"

"…they're bringing the sorority girls for neon paint night," Maru offers.

"We're staying," Shirota announces, "I didn't spend all damn weekend in hillbilly hell to leave that." He sounds pumped for once in his damn life.

Jin thinks that's bullshit. "What, so sorority girls get you excited but playing a set of our fucking music doesn't?" he complains.

Shirota pointedly doesn't answer.

Jin's mouth screws up, and then he opens his fist at Shirota. "PAAAAAN," he informs their resident douche.

"Is that supposed to be moron for ‘fuck you'?" Shirota asks.

"No," Jin snaps, "it's genius for ‘you suck donkey balls'!"

Fucking Shirota.

[Camera comes to life. Extended Recess have their backs to the camera, crowded around the perimeter of the water tower's maintenance deck. Cameraman moves forward and tilts downward to where a sizeable crowd of park rangers and half-dressed girls covered in neon paint are gathered. Camera straightens up and zooms in on Jin, who notices the camera and opens his fist at the cameraman.]

Jin: [to cameraman] You should say something, dude!

[Camera turns up, and Maru, with a large-brimmed sombrero on his head, grins down at it.]


[Camera goes black.]


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April 2012

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